The Night Before

The Night Before

Many different teams have been involved in bringing this project to this point.

Those in 2017, whom I met at the Island Schools 50th Anniversary weekend.

Their kindness, empathy, and forgiveness were so powerful.

The weight of guilt I had carried around all the previous years physically fell from my belly and hit the ground so hard, that I had to look down to see if it had made a hole. I remember that exact moment while chatting with Chris Forse, the teacher who attended my sentencing in 1991.

Sean, who interviewed me for the school DVD, Jaqueline and Tom of the Alumni Association, and so many others, ex-students and staff.

Anna, my first agent, put so much effort into the first book. Taking me to Paris to meet publishers, constantly reinforcing her belief in me. Unfortunately, the book still had a long way to mature, it simply wasn’t what it is now.

Old friends in Glasgow, who when I returned from India and went through some physical and mental health issues, were always there for me. Checking up on me regularly. Kenneth and Jennifer, sorry for causing you so much stress. Don’t think I’ve thanked you enough.

Vickie, my spiritual guru. Wonderful video chats. A deep understanding of the trauma from the old days.

Pancake Paul, named by my boys and my rock through the last few years. Spent too many hours having to listen to my problems, sent me money when I was desperate, and spent many nights partying together.

Having attended an Autism conference at the University of Strathclyde I nearly decided not to attend a seminar at the University of Glasgow Philosophy department. It was October 2019 and was a PhD student sharing her research on camouflaging of autistic females. When she finished, she invited questions, which I became quite involved in. When leaving to go to the pre-arranged post-seminar drink at the local pub, I stood up and was at once aware of the person next to me. I turned and met Kat.

Kat and I talked the whole time together in the pub. What was so striking for me was her, apparently, unconscious awareness of my autistic sensory needs. 3 times she became aware that I may need a change due to sensory overload, and without hesitation asked me if I wanted to do this or that, directing me to an area that would be better for me.

5 years later, a wee bit on and off, even going through all ups and downs I’ve had the last few years, she is still here for me. Although she lives in Germany, we see each often, I know that she is always there by my side.

Writer Alan Cohen said, “Our history is not our destiny “.

Having my children I had a decision to make. Whether to allow my negative experience of family to continue into their lives.

When writing my book, I began to realise that the common theme of family and support networks kept coming up. Not having any idea where my book project was going but just in case it became a success, I decided to reach out to old friends whom I was aware were creative, like artists, writers, musicians etc, to see if they would be interested in creating something to go alongside the book.

I thought why not have those working on the book all old friends especially from Hong Kong? They keep talking about how powerful the Islander network is. And I also thought that perhaps I might sell a lot of copies to them.

Out of all the people I contacted one got back in touch with me. Matt Ellis.

I had bought a CD Matt had released previously and surprising myself, as it wasn’t a genre I knew much of, I loved it. Especially the song “Heart of Mine”. I just had to ask him to write a song for the book.

Matt told me that when I was closer to completion to get back in touch.

A few years later I did just that and after having lots of chats I discovered that Matt isn’t just a rock star but also a marketing superstar. He has turned a book into a brand with his inspiration, passion, expert knowledge and talent.

Becoming stuck in the writing process is a common occurrence. It’s not only focused on the words but also the design of the book.

That’s when I saw a Facebook post showing the astounding artwork of Martin Lever. His Silent Protest collection depicts his vision of the 2019 pro-democracy protests in his beloved Hong Kong. His All Quiet images immediately struck me at so many different levels. I commented at once that they would make an inspiring book cover. He at once got back to me and here we are. Not only has he produced an eye catching and stunning cover he has also created illustrations to match parts of the story that jumped out at him.

I had been trying and not finding an editor for months. This is almost the most critical part of book writing. About to just give in and go with a complete stranger another ex-Island school student leapt forward. Having heard my story and feeling inspired by it Zara Morris selflessly offered her ability, knowledge and incredible attention to detail and edited the book within the shortest of time frames. Without her, the project would have failed to be completed and ready for release by August. It may not even still be completed.

I had always wanted a certain person to write a forward for the book, but never felt confident enough to ask them. Island School is so precious to him, and he is to the school.

Chris Forse the ex-deputy head was finally asked on my behalf by Tom Banks. Without even reading the book he wrote a perfect piece that I feel adds weight to the story.

Everyone from Island School. A family.

Our history can inspire not just our destiny, but the destiny of others.

The others in question, the two most important others are my sons Dexter and Weston.

They have been nurtured and loved their whole lives. My goal to end the cycle of trauma in my family has been accomplished. They are 2 exceptional young men. I’m proud of who they have become and are still growing into.

They are my greatest success.

When failure is central to your personality.

What age were you that you remember your family celebrating your success in something?

All those school sports days when your parents would come and cheer you on. School concerts when you would stare out into the crowd to find your proud parents.

Passing exams, reaching your first final in your favourite sport.

Cold and wet Saturday mornings taking you to a school rugby, football, athletics training or competition.

Every one of these events helps you develop a desire to succeed, make your parents proud, make you want to win, and make yourself proud.

Without any of that early support, there would be no point of crossing, or even, reaching the finishing line.

Fear of success, self-sabotage, failure to achieve. Attachment disorder, relationship problems, poor self-esteem.

Unfortunately, that’s what I’ve got.

Sitting here the day before my book is released, I have been struggling.

And I mean struggling. My mental health over the last couple of weeks has been dreadful.

Sleeping has been almost impossible. An hour here, an hour there. Dreams have been horrific some nights. Eating just can’t happen, and I’ve not been drinking enough water.

Many of these things are caused by the autistic sensory issues I have.

The senses that remind us to eat and drink are reward senses. They make you feel good when you eat or drink, that’s why we do it.

Sleep is ruled by our circadian rhythm.

Being autistic I can be in a constant state of prolonged anxiety. Different stress-related hormones are being pumped continuously throughout my system. It plays havoc with my fight, flight and freeze responses.

My reaction to those hormones is to be in a constant state of fight. My primary 5 senses are heightened to danger. My sight can become overwhelming, my peripheral vision over-amplified, and I see everything, all of the time, in detail. My brain makes constant calculations about what I’m seeing. Velocity, projection, direction, every object, every face every second. My hearing goes out of control. I hear everything around me at the same volume, cars, people, birds, trees, electricity, my voice, all at the same volume. Before I was aware of this I would start shouting just to try and hear my own voice. Unfortunately, that came across as aggressive to some people and caused me lots of issues.

They are some of my sensory issues caused by stress.

They become so overwhelming I try and self-medicate by sabotaging myself.

Along with my issues caused by poor nurturing my nature adds so many more avenues of distress my personality developed its coping mechanisms and those were to not let myself be successful.

The last couple of weeks the thought to make this whole project collapse have not been very far from my mind. A few times they succeeded in breaking through the barriers I’ve tried to set up and it took a hell of a lot of effort to overcome them.

I’ve even had recurring nightmares of simply dying, dropping down dead just before success comes to me.

But I’m still here and I’ve created a reason for that.

I want to reinvest any success into a support group I’m creating for autistic adolescents and adults in Glasgow who are struggling. To offer them simple and affordable sessions to help them with their specific needs.

Something worthwhile should come out of this project.

My success is not in helping myself but in helping others.


- Stewart Burton